Before June

Switched.

June — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:27:04 +0000

My stomach hurts today. The vicious cycle of binge and purge. This week will be a new and staggeringly painful one. Today I ate a disgusting amount of food. I have purged at least 7 times. I know I will purge again within the next twenty minutes. During the week, I restrict well, purging what I do eat. I always eat breakfast, for now anyways. I need to keep restricting more and more each day. I am trying to figure out the quickest way to lose. Perhaps I’ll give up white foods and yeast first. That would be a really big accomplishment for me, plural. White foods gone. Then I will eat apples, and cheeses the way I did in April. I’ll eat eggs and bacon for breakfast. I’ll eat ice cream with turkey, cheese, apples for lunch. I’ll eat salads for dinner and something that feels heavier and purge. I’ll start from here and subtract more each week. I can do this. I can do this. I can control myself if I want to.

Abnormality/Normality Class in one hour.

June — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 11:00:40 +0000

Freudian theory is making my head hurt. Last night, I plural, sat in bed trying to come to so type of agreement on who would read the 40 page article about science defending Freud’s repression ideas.

Yesterday food:
Breakfast: 1 egg scrambled, 2 sausage links, six hashbrown tatertots.
Lunch: One slice cheese pizza, medium portion of french fries. One and a half scoops of ice cream. Purge.
Dinner: Chicken wings. Alot. Purged.

I took three laxatives yesterday. Shit twice.

I need to work on water intake today. I’m not starting calories yet. Maybe I should. I don’t know.
We will see.

Before, June

Tomorrow is Tuesday. Manic Monday, much?

June — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:58:19 +0000

So. This weekend- things weren’t so bad. Saturday I ate a reasonable size breakfast- I didn’t write it down though and recently I cannot remember anything. I believe I had eggs. No. Yes. Saturday I ate an enormous amount of food for breakfast. At least at the time it felt like an enormous amount of food. No. It was reasonable, yes. Eggs. Potatoes. At Eleven. So it was more of a brunch. I did not purge.

I took four laxatives. I have had a terrible stomach ache since Saturday.

Later I ate chicken tenders and fries from a local diner and purged. Followed that with Ice Soup.

On Sunday morning I skipped breakfast and ate at an even trashier diner with two friends. I had shrimp and fries as well as ice cream. I purged. Sunday evening brought ice soup, and later out of nothing more than anxiety, a hamburger. I purged again.

And if you think the weekend was dreadful- oh goodness, just wait until you read about today. Today my fat-ass consumed more than humanly imaginable and I ended up vomiting at least five or six times. Perhaps even seven. Breakfast: Two pancakes with butter and syrup and eggs with cheese. Lunch: One slice of cheese pizza. I purged. Ice soup. Dinner: McDonald’s Binge (2 plain double cheeseburgers, 10 piece chicken nugget, 1 medium fry and honey mustard). MAJOR PURGING HAPPENED HERE. Four hours later: 1 pack of Oriental Ramen noodles with imitation crab meat. More serious purging. Now- in disgust I sit in my bed thinking about food.

I fucking hate food.

Tomorrow I will begin official calorie counting.

I am going to lose 15 pounds by the end of November. I am also going to start eating healthier foods, even if I have to eat more of them at first and that way at least what I am spending my time purging is healthier, so whatever is left inside will be healthier food instead of french fries and grease all the fucking time.

I am lower than the dogs tonight.

They would know better than me.
They would even know not to take another bite.

Before, June

The switch has happened again.

June — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 00:16:24 +0000

Today is September 18, 2009. The switch has hit.

The weekend plan:

Purge lunch and dinner. Eat light lunch and dinner.

Eat light breakfast. If heavy, purge.

Goal before purging: 1100.

Steady decrease.

Before, June

18; doctor’s appointment

June — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 21:40:43 +0000

I had a doctor’s appointment today. A well-check.

Turn’s out I am well minus a mild case of scoliosis, a slight menstrual imbalance and an eating disorder. Pbueuh–.

I hate going to the doctor usually but it wasn’t that bad. The doctor is very nice. The office is painted in very bright colors, making it harder and better for me to be in. Insurance covered the visit which was great. I was able to be honest about relasping with ed-related stuff.

She liked my tattoo. I got it done on Tuesday, the day after I, singular, celebrated a brithday. Alice’s birthday is tomorrow. This will be the 2nd time her birthday has been on a Friday that I know of.

BMI is in the “normal” range. Resting dead in the middle of the norm.

I want my BMI to hit a 21 and my weight to hit 130. Short-term goals lead to long-term goals. The only weigh out is through them. I will be thin. I will be thinner.

Today I am on my period and I weigh 143lbs. Kill me. Shoot my face.

My throat is sore from purging. I worry about my esophagus. My uncle tried to rescue my great-choking- Aunt from a piece of chicken two weeks ago and to his astonishment (and hers) he ended up poking a hole in her esophagus; she had to be rushed to the emergency room and given a tracheotomy. I don’t want that to ever be me. I’m trying to lower the number of times I am vomiting. I took 8 vegetable- laxatives today.

Purged breakfast. Purged lunch. Still consumed probably 600 calories

I am planning on cooking dinner.

Before, June

June — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 23:25:51 +0000

It is the first week of June. I weigh 141. Kill me. Next week I will weigh 130-something. It will be a miracle and then we will hit the 120-something and then 110. I can do this. I have already gone from 160+ to here. I will write more when I hit the 130s.

before, june

146 and going to bed early

June — Thu, 21 May 2009 00:08:41 +0000

today has been a hard and sad day.

i weigh 146 today. by this time next week i hope to weigh at most 139. i want to get down to the 130s by then. i can do this.

positive affirmation on my unhealthiness.

Ha. unhealTHINess.

(looks like an idea for a great campaign against eating disorders. i see tshirts and everything)

my teachers will be happy when i am thinner.

i will be happy when i am thinner.

people will like me more.

i will be able to sit still.

the end.

(shit is getting rough)

June — Sun, 17 May 2009 11:53:10 +0000

Brief warning: I really hope this doesn’t fucking bother you.

I hit the 140s mark on the scale this week. As fat and disgusting as that sounds, please know- this is a giant accomplishment. I haven’t actually hit the 140s mark since the last bout of pseudo-recovery. Let me tell you- It is TRULY inspirational. That being said, I feel like shit today and it would be nice to write about here.

Last night we drank, a few of us. I drank too much. Well, not too much but way more than I needed to. I kind of lost count of how many shots it was. I didn’t take my medication yesterday because I forgot- and by forgot I mean someone else who lives here (in this body) wanted to make sure I didn’t wake up this morning sick and poisoned. I am very grateful.

My goal this week is to never eat more than intend to eat and to not binge on one of the 4 containers of chinese food in my fridge (long story). Perhaps I will give the food away. Save a little for me, because I know that I will get hungry, no matter how much I don’t want to be hungry, and give the rest away. That’s the plan.

Last night, when I was drunk I kissed this guy I know and he has a girlfriend. Then I switched and from what I can tell the other made out with him and didn’t give a damn about his girlfriend. I like his girlfriend and I feel really bad about the whole situation. I mean- yeah it sucks- I kissed her boyfriend. That’s wretched. Yes, it is. But in the long fucking run of things- It isn’t that big of a fucking deal. We didn’t have sex or anything and I took the time to ask if they were dating before I kissed him and he said no. I hate boys.

So today, I need to complete an assignment for class I haven’t even touched yet and clean my disgusting room. I don’t think I will eat today. This is the goal. I want my body to recover from calorie-infested alcoholism and take some laxatives if I can find some.

Fuck my life.

Before, June

Spring Water and Getting Out

June — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:22:20 +0000

I am sitting here drinking a gallon of Spring Water, only 89 cents at Publix earlier this week. I know you aren’t supposed to reuse plastic jugs, but I’ve reused it every day this week. I’ll get another one soon.

I haven’t lost much of anything else.

I started counting again today.

Regardless there’s no way I’ll be 110 before June.

No matter though, I watched a BBC documentary and I’ve been encouraged. One woman lost over three stone in 5 weeks. Here we go again.

Before, June

“Have you lost weight?”

June — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 02:25:02 +0000

Today I was with a big group. I was wearing some clothes that didn’t hide myself and one of my teachers, whom I adore and who knows about my eating disorder(s), said, “You look like you’ve lost some weight, alot of weight. How much have you lost?” I lie. I tell her I have lost close to 15 pounds. She asks if I am about to stop losing weight, I tell her that yes, I am about to stop. Another lie. Well, sort of.

Then, two minutes later, another girl (who I just happen to not really like at all) says, “June, you look like you’ve lost weight. Have you?” and I say, “I have.”

Then, just now, maybe ten minutes ago I walked into my dorm room and my suitemate said, “You look skinnier.” And I smile inside because I want to scream! I should! I should look fucking skinnier! I want to look skinnier! NOW!.

There is so much happening here. Too much happening. I’m off to take some laxatives.

Before, June